Friday, March 26, 2010

A Note to God - Part 2

Dear God, you probably already know what I'm about to tell you, but here goes ... I haven't been well lately and lots of things weigh heavily in my mind and heart. As much as I look forward to being a Cambridge girl, I feel so sad at not being able to study medicine, disappointing myself and mostly importantly Emak (Mum) and Nenek (Grandma). And you know how hard I tried! I've always accepted the turn of events and put my trust in you. Remember this conversation I had with Emak?

Emak: Cik Idah, I would like to seek your forgiveness.
Me: Why? You haven't done anything wrong to me. In fact, I should be the one asking you for forgiveness.
Emak: Remember when you applied for law school many years ago and how badly you wanted to be a lawyer? Well, Nenek and I were so upset. It's not because we don't love you; we love you so much that we didn't want you to be a lawyer. We know how passionate you are and how you would work very hard to defend your clients. And when you're starting out, you can't choose your clients, right? We didn't want you to be put in a position that you have no choice but to do the unethical and the haram (forbidden). So we prayed very hard that you won't get in law school. And when you didn't, we were so happy that our prayers have been answered. Of course you cried and it broke our hearts to see you in so much tears. So pls, forgive us...
Me: Emak, it's ok... Ultimately it's God who decides. Besides, things turn out for the best...

God, when both Nenek & Emak gave their blessings for me to pursue medicine, it didn't happen too... why? I've purified my intentions and did everything I could to achieve that dream. It's not about the prestige or wealth, I really do want to help the sick. And now, I'm embarking on the Cambridge path... God, if this path is good for me, then pls make the journey easier...

Saturday, March 20, 2010

A Note to God

No, my chest pain hasn't subsided... and I would still wake up in the middle of the night, breathless and my chest in knots. Just like Bella in New Moon, I felt as if a knife is being stabbed into my chest. The doctor said that it was probably stress (dad, rejection from medical school and disappointing my late mum and grandma in the process, paying for Cambridge etc). Unlike Bella whose dad was there to comfort her after every 'nightmare', I'm alone to cope with the pain.

At times like this, I remember a song I heard in Amsterdam many years ago. Wat is mijn hart (What is my heart) by Marko Borsato. Although I don't know Dutch, I felt that I understood the song's heart-wrenching lyrics. Recently, I think the song to describe my current state of mind would be Charice's Note to God.

If I wrote a note to God, I would speak what's in my soul...